


The One with the Celebrities

by shell



Category: Dirty Jobs RPF, Southland
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-24
Updated: 2011-01-24
Packaged: 2017-10-15 01:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/155494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shell/pseuds/shell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Celebrities are the worst thing about working Hollywood station.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One with the Celebrities

**Author's Note:**

  * For [panisdead](https://archiveofourown.org/users/panisdead/gifts).



> Unbetaed and written for Panisdead's birthday, although I didn't finish it until a couple days later. I got the idea for this about a week before her birthday, but really struggled getting it written--I think I started it at least four different times before I finally got going, and the end didn't come any easier than the beginning.
> 
> I'm not super familiar with Dirty Jobs or Mike Rowe, so I relied mostly on Wikipedia and the maybe two episodes that I watched with Sara once. But Rowe definitely seems like the sort of guy John Cooper might have a crush on, if John Cooper had a crush on anyone.

Ben was pretty sure that John agreeing to lunch at Whole Foods was some sort of an apology for being even more of an asshole than usual lately. That was fine with him if it meant a chance at something other than greasy tacos. As they walked through the door, he was thinking more about what to order than where he was going, and he nearly tripped over an adorable blond child. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked, bending down to her level. An arm reached down for her, and Ben looked up and there was Angelina Jolie.

"Shiloh, watch out! I'm sorry, officer," she said with a dazzling smile.

"No problem," Ben answered, trying not to stare. Angelina Jolie in person turned out to be a bit overwhelming.

"Is this one yours also, ma'am?" John asked, stepping in to keep another adorable blond child from making a break for it.

"Yes, thank you," she said graciously. A nanny stepped in and scooped up the boy, while Angelina gracefully picked up the girl and gave Ben another dazzling smile.

Ben just stood there and stared as she walked out into the parking lot, where an SUV was waiting. John snorted and tugged on his collar until Ben turned and followed him into the café.

"You can't get distracted like that, Boot," he said once they got their food and sat down. "You're not a fucking tourist, you're a cop."

"Yeah, and that was Angelina Jolie," Ben answered, leaning back in his chair, remembering.

"So what?" John answered.

"Are you telling me you've never been distracted by one of the beautiful people?" Ben asked.

"Like who?" John said dismissively.

"How about Brad Pitt?" Ben said, going with the obvious.

"Not my type," John said.

"I thought Brad Pitt was everyone's type," Ben said.

"Not mine," John said, frowning.

"Okay, what about George Clooney?" Ben asked.

John just shook his head.

"I ran into Denzel Washington once," Ben said, watching John carefully. "He's pretty hot."

John ignored him and took a bite of his sandwich. "I can't believe I paid ten bucks for this," he grumbled.

"Adam Lambert?" Ben ventured, hiding a smile.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Timmy Davis?" Ben said, grinning openly this time.

John glared at him. "You will never catch me acting like an idiot over some celebrity," he said. "I don't care who it is, or how hot I'm supposed to think they are. Celebrities are the worst thing about working Hollywood station. Timmy Davis, that basketball player with the fucking Great Dane, that guy Wade your sister's marrying, they're all assholes. No exceptions. You can't remember that, maybe you'd better look for a job in Cleveland."

"So there's not a single famous person worthy of your respect?"

John sat back for a moment, then shook his head decisively.

After that, it became one of their things.

The time they pulled Cameron Diaz over for speeding, John made sure Ben gave her a ticket--"No letting celebrities off for flirting with you"--while Ben opined that surely Alex Rodriguez, who was in the car with Diaz, was worthy of John's attention. John made a comment about steroids making your dick small, fortunately not until they were back in the patrol car.

Ben nearly lost it when John accused him of staring at Betty White's breasts when her purse was snatched. He got back at John when Justin Bieber's entourage called 911 because they were afraid he was being stalked by a twelve year old. Ben thoughtfully informed John that Bieber would only be jailbait for another year or two, so he didn't have long to wait. John laughed out loud; Ben was quietly triumphant for the rest of the watch.

Finally, several months after that day at Whole Foods when they'd talked to Angelina Jolie, Ben discovered there was at least one celebrity who truly made an impression on John Cooper.

Just after lunch, they got a call to check out an accident in the parking lot of Home Depot. They pulled into the lot and found a crowd around two trucks. Once they got out and through the crowd, Ben saw that the first truck was old, rusted, and overloaded with lawn care equipment. It was backed up against the side of the second truck, a late model Ford. The worst damage appeared to have been caused by the lawn mower that was stuck halfway through the passenger window of the Ford; no one seemed hurt, from what Ben could tell on a quick survey of the scene.

He took out his notebook and turned to ask John who he wanted to interview first. John was standing next to him, but his body language was wrong. There was none of the usual coiled energy, and there was focus, but it wasn't on the scene. John had taken his sunglasses off, he was leaning forward, and there was a thin strip of sunlight visible between the heels of his boots and the pavement. He was staring at the owner of the Ford with what could only be the John Cooper equivalent of dumbstruck glee.

This was going to be epic.

"I'll start with the owner of the damaged vehicle, sir, make sure he's not injured," he said to John, in full-on probationary officer mode. He started moving toward the truck, but John grabbed his arm.

Shit, John was actually _smiling_. "Do you know who that is?" he hissed.

"Looks like Mike Rowe," Ben answered blandly.

" _Mike Rowe_ ," John confirmed, his eyes wide. Ben wondered if he could record this on his phone without John noticing.

"Yeah, and he's driving a Ford," Ben said. "Think he's wearing Wrangler jeans, too?"

"Shut up," John said, and just in time, because the man in question was walking up to them.

"Officers, thanks for coming out," Rowe said, holding out a hand to shake. John regained some professionalism at that point, although Ben could still see signs of his excitement now and again as they sorted out what happened.

The guy in the beat up Chevy truck had been trying to back out of his parking spot when the bits of rust holding the flap up on the back of the truck gave way and his equipment started sliding out. Instead of stopping, the idiot had turned the wheel and continued to back up until he'd almost hit the Ford. He was effusively apologetic, clearly as taken by the presence of the great Mike Rowe as John was, and much less able to contain his enthusiasm.

Ben had to give Rowe credit--the guy was courteous, polite, and basically unflappable. Ben figured once you'd done a few seasons of Dirty Jobs, it would take more than a wrecked window to bother you. He refused to press charges, but Ben still ended up writing the Chevy owner up for unsafe operation of a motor vehicle and the expired registration. The guy had insurance, but Rowe told him to forget it, he'd pay for the damages himself. Ben privately thought that was taking the I'm a Great and Regular Guy schtick a bit too far.

He ended up doing the bulk of the work while John hung out with Rowe on one pretext after another. It reminded Ben of when he and John worked that scene with Timmy Davis and Chickie had ended up sitting in the back of the car while Dewey and Davis smoked cigars in the front. Rowe wasn't an asshole, though, and neither was John, at least not today, so Ben didn't mind much. Besides, he was going to get months of joy out of this one--he'd managed to grab a couple minutes of video of John and Rowe talking about the value of blue collar jobs that was pure gold.

They were going to get another call eventually--Ben was surprised they hadn't gotten one yet; they'd been at the Home Depot parking lot for nearly an hour. He had his ammunition; it was time to shut this down.

"Yeah, that was a good one," Rowe was saying to John as Ben approached. Rowe was still acting the polite and gracious celebrity, but Ben caught him glancing frequently at the young guy with the Discovery Channel jacket who'd arrived a few minutes ago in another new Ford.

"Sir, I've finished the witness statements, and they're ready to tow the trucks," he said to John. As he intended, using "sir" caught John's attention.

"Right, well, thank you, Mike, and I'll check that website out," John said, shaking Rowe's hand.

"Great, Officer Cooper, and thanks again for all that you do," Rowe answered. "Tim, you got that gear I asked you for?" he said to the guy in the jacket, who nodded and grabbed a couple canvas bags with the Discovery logo out of the truck and handed them to Rowe. Rowe handed one to John and one to Ben, there were more polite thank-yous exchanged, and then they finally got out of there, just in time--their radios crackled as they approached the car, and they were off to a possible domestic.

"So, all celebrities are assholes, huh?" Ben said as they drove out of the lot and into the street. John just scowled at him and hit the siren.

END

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me either at [my fannish tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/shellumbo) or [my pro writing tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sbyzmcpherson). Or you can follow either on Twitter: @shellumbo or @sbyzmcpherson. Or both!


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